just me part 1

i grew up in a busy quite large pub on a busy high street. 11 years of mixed and very jumbled up memories.my mum and dad and myself and my infamous dog,my springer spaniel. every one knew me and my dog giggle we were inseperable...my dad was a very hardworking kind man a true leader not a follower.trustworthy and almost victorian in his strictness but he was my dad and i adored him he wanted only the best for me. he strived to give my mum and i the best things in life. and he could be soft but he was no pushover.he could be fiery at a moments notice but never violent.he was too kindhearted for that.i remember a smack or two.and then there was my mother a then very beautiful well dressed outwardly confident ardent socialite and who was also the local head chairlady for some big hoo haa well to do ladies charity of kent she had the big chains like the mayor. a big boss and bossy lady who was addicted to shopping and galavanting and we lived 20 minutes from london. she shopped alot in the best shops even the food malls with her it was all about appearences and such. i was not spoilt but i had beautiful clothes and sometimes the latest toy but not always.you could say we had quite an enviable lifestyle 5 star holidays and daytrips and big parties n such. to the out side just a normal family.

but on the inside it was nt like that. it was a different story.if my dad wasnt working hard he wasnever really home.he would dash to the cash n carry and  he had family in the east end of london his parents were quite old then.he was an east end boy who infact drank in the same pub as the krays in the old days of his youth.i adored him and he adored me. he set me up in life with extremely high expectations i mean like seriously high.

he sent me to private school and made my life like a fairytale. high standards that dont even exist in this life anymore. hed tell me that one day a powerful prince would rescue me from the tower of this life and only a prince would do. a prince who would live by the same standards as him?and they were higher than high. he was such a powerful man and driven and almost hate to say it but perfect in every princely way except for his rare temper and fieryness. he instilled in me my search for truth in this life and justice for humanity and a love of animals and helping others. some pretty altruistic traits. and to always love my individuality.

my mother tho was very different. she was a very hard person emotionally and even her character and persona still is.she is polish as is her mother and they are very hard women....she never really was home either and when she was never really wanted anything to do with me. there was no real love or affection. my earliest horror memory goes back to about 3 years old, she would sit by me on the sofa while i was happily watching a cartoon hence my love of cartoons and she would look at me and say *i dont love you* and i was a sweet kid but born with an extremely deep sensitivity. i would burst into tears. she did that alot over the years...then she would walk out the room and do whatever she did and leave me upset.

she was unemotional and if you showed any emotion she would chastise you and tell you to pull yourself together. that is why my emotions are so turbulent i would say and erratic and everythingelse they are she wouldnt relate to me but her mother was the same she came from an extremely dysfunctional family. abuse alcoholism etc etc. so to her i was just an accessory she would throw on n off depending what her plans were tht week. so in turn i couldnt relate to her or others. over the years i found my sense of humour because every one likes the funny kid right...but the longer you get to know people they realise something is different about you and then theyd go off and find other friends.

but when i was 3 my father bought me a dog my bestest friend in the whole wide world.. i use to sing to her and chat because she would lay on me and listen to my woes and my chatter. no judgement just big brown soppy loving eyes...she was the best friend i ever had in my life. i was bullied alot and i could always run to her and shed listen. anyway when i was 10 and a half my mum told me we were moving to hereford and my dog had to go away to a farm.....heartbroken..

Sweet Sundays

On such sweet sundays
Many journeys passed and
With many companions sold

and many stories told.

We scoured the hills and
The mountains for gold,
and the dreams entertained
Us for they never left.
I remember the extreme of
The emotions and of the colours
That scanned the view.
The flight of the homebirds
And the big birds too,
The joys that never left me and
the memories like golden silk
We never had much luck but
We never missed it that much...

Blondie - Atomic

Duran Duran - Rio

99 red ballons - Nena 80s nostalgia

the enemy of the state

Hush now loud one for all that you are worth
the shadows creep behind you
and the whispers get louder and louder
and come slowly but surely.

Crawl back to the dead lands
for your lies are torn into pieces
and you cant hurt anyone anymore.

And so the brave ones take the lead
dancing and singing with true liberty
for our spirits are truly free
we are no longer suppressed by your democracy
and greed.

You weigh us down with your fragmented dissolusion
for we know you steal the heart and soul
and you in your dogmatised fashion and
with all of your darkness are the one
that will lead us to war...

You that are senseless and who explode power
cannot break the chains of the spirit that bind us
for we that have love in our hearts are the ones
as we sharpen the sword of our ancestors...
and fight you til death for our brothers and sisters.

*Ode to Bill Hicks*

: The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride...” But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus - murdered; Martin Luther King - murdered; Malcolm X - murdered; Gandhi - murdered; John Lennon - murdered; Reagan... wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.