Saturday, March 2, 2024

Sorry not sorry

 Only you didn’t forgive me for leaving you in the dust.  Only you couldn’t accept that so you came for me. Not just you even I didn’t know back then just who you were connected to. The Freemasons the government the cops and a whole network you were in bed with quite literally. I left you because I realised you had a sex addiction that got worse by the week. You were literally the other half of my soul yet you decided to make me your enemy and tried every which way to erase my soul from this earth. The thing is you really should have tried to find out who I was and the rank I hold in the spirit realm. You should have done your homework before coming for me.  I don’t know all the details of who what why and when because if I had I would’ve sued you all to the hilt. Luckily the God that I serve keeps me close and will always give me back whatever was stolen from me. I won’t be quiet til the whole world knows what you all did to me. I can only thankyou all really because all you did made my faith absolutely unbreakable. I also know that anything that happened to any of you was between you and my God…

Wednesday, June 21, 2023

The Punisher…

 If I manifest into your reality your daily life, you should understand somethings. You’re probably a dark witch a wizard or a warlock. Understand God Most High sent me to you. He sent me to you hard-hearted people as a blessing to show you the error of your ways. To show you what real love is and to teach you of Gods supernatural power without breaking any spiritual laws. Well I helped write those laws and God assigned me to be your judge and jury. You broke absolutely every spiritual law in the whole universe and ever law known to man. You have reaped what you’ve sown and I didn’t shed a tear because what you wanted for me happened to you. What you wish for me you wish for God. You wanted to destroy me and I never met you in the flesh.You wanted to kill me so you wanted to kill God. So he killed you.. No one is above God. He created e v e r y t h I n g. If he did let you live it would be in prison or a mental asylum for the rest of your life. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

favourite books of 2012

Toast – Nigel Slater
It is thanks to routing through other peoples shelves that I ended up reading a book that I probably wouldn’t have read otherwise and really loved. The book in question was ‘Toast’ by Nigel Slater which had initially piqued my interest after the adaptation on the television which i recorded and then completely forgot to watch. I then forgot about how much I wanted to read the book (see that self hype thing again)… until I was having a nosey and my eyes happened to fall upon it and so I picked it up and absolutely loved it.

All I knew of Nigel Slater before I picked up ‘Toast’ was that he was a rather well known chef whose recipe books seem to be in every single member of my families houses. I’ve never watched his TV shows and really never been that interested in cookery books, other than maybe Nigella, though I like cooking. ‘Toast’ is Nigel Slater’s memories of childhood into adulthood all told through food. I imagined this might be recipes but I was wrong as in fact it’s snippets of memories with titles like ‘Christmas Cake, ‘The Hostess Trolley’ and ‘Peach Melba’ (which I had forgotten once existed and instantly wanted) each with its own memories attached.

‘Toast’ really is quite a collection of memories as Nigel didn’t have the easiest or happiest of childhoods. His mother had health issues, his father wasn’t the most comforting or friendly of role models and of course there is the cleaner Mrs Poole who soon became the bane of Nigel’s life. It’s never a misery memoir though some of the book is very emotional it also often leaves you in hysterics. In some ways because of the humour I was reminded of Augusten Burroughs, only in this book the addictions are cook books and ingredients rather than drugs, the other thing that reminded me of Augusten Burroughs was the way slowly but surely Slater writes about his being gay, how he noticed it and coped with it in the 60’s and 70’s which again makes for a very heart felt and honest book.

I knew I was going to be rather smitten with this book when I read the line in ‘Toast 1’ where Nigel writes ‘It is impossible not to love someone who makes toast for you.’ He is talking about his mother and how when they make it in just the right way you are ‘putty in their hands’. People who arrive as the book progresses are each almost given a flavour in addiction to their character and this works wonderfully. It also really evokes atmosphere and underlying tensions such as when he helps his Mum make the, at the time, novel delicacy of spaghetti for his father which none of them have tried and as soon as they add the parmesan ‘this cheese smells like sick’ is deemed as ‘off’ and its never talked of or mentioned again.

I loved Nigel Slater’s writing, it never felt pretentious or woe is me or anything other than a down to earth account of his childhood filled with both happiness and sadness. It’s a ‘real’ memoir if you know what I mean, there are dramas and trials but they are never melodramatic. I decided Nigel Slater and I would be firm friends when he discussed ‘Butterscotch Angel Delight’ my all time favourite too. This is someone who hasn’t had the easiest start in life who rather than complain about it looks back at it fondly and asks the reader to join in and do so too. This is one of my favourite books of the year so far. 10/10

Saturday, October 8, 2011

book reviews 2012..

The Murders in the Rue Morgue – Edgar Allan Poe ..

To say that I was disappointed or underwhelmed by ‘The Murders in the Rue Morgue’ by Edgar Allan Poe would be some what of an understatement, but stay with me as I can see why it should be read. I have always wanted to get my mitts on a copy of Edgar Allan Poe’s tales of Dupin, who is pretty much the first detective in fiction (though I am sure there are others), because I had heard that it is these tales that gave inspiration to the likes of Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie who are seen as the great masters of detective fiction in modern times, and who also happen to be two of my favourite authors. I therefore thought that I was going to love this collection.

The collection starts with the title story. From reading the first page or two I found myself thinking ‘this is going to be hard work’ as a whole three paragraph free pages about analysis of people and I think (and I say that because I was so confused, but simply could not force myself to read it again) Dupin who is the great detective that we come to learn so much more about through his accidental side kick (you can see it almost exactly retold in ‘A Study in Scarlet’ the first Holmes novel), as the pages then go on finally we get to the murder. In all of the tales of Dupin that deal with murder, for some don’t, all I can say is that nothing quite competes with the title story which is a shame as it’s the first one so everything sort of goes downhill from there.

I did find the ‘The Mystery of Marie Roget’ quite interesting as it is based on a true tale, so whilst its not as far fetched as the tale before it insightful as to how people looked at murder in the 1840’s, or sort of didn’t in a way. That brings me to the subject of when the book was written because as I mentioned this collection is seen as the start of the genre of detective fiction, which is why I was so annoyed that it read like both an instruction manual for detection and also like a deconstruction of the whole genre. In fact because so much I have read is based on this book it started to read like a lit crit book of this whole subject and I just couldn’t work with it.

You might be sat there thinking ‘but why is she not telling me about the stories in this collections. Well in truth it’s because there aren’t many. It’s much more about showing how clever Dupin, and therefore Allan Poe, is at solving a mystery and therefore things like character traits, back stories and the very atmosphere of Paris falls by the wayside and so sadly I felt disappointed in every tale. It seemed to me that ‘The Murders in the Rue Morgue’ sadly failed for me because of its credentials. It might be the first of a genre which is now huge and I respect it for that, the thing is people read it then built on it and made something better. I’d recommend this for anyone studying the genre, not for those who want fantastic mysteries, stick to Sherlock if that’s the case but do remember who inspired those tales. 4/10

I do value the novel but I think I would rather have read about it in a section of Kate Summerscale’s rather wonderful ‘The Suspicions of Mr Whicher’ or an essay about it rather than fictions which read like rather patronising essays and a how-to-write crime guide.

Friday, August 26, 2011

from an old song i loved...

i believed in what you said
i trusted in your summer and so now
the leaves are all turning red and brown
and they will soon be coming down
how can i possibly go on hope is what keeps me alive
and now im so uncertain.......
at night i look for a reason why
i never see any shooting stars at night
just like a sure sign that everythings alright
just to quiet me.......
the more i try and look for you
the more i fail to find the truth
let me follow every road with you
or i will take the long way home......

Thursday, August 25, 2011

just me part 2

so my dog went and we moved. we were buying a shoeshop and a semi large flat above in town.
we were there six months my mum and dad argued all the time we were there my dad didnt want to move nor did i. but she had her way she could manipulate and she was controlling all those dysfunctional qualities..
i can relate to them.six months had passed and my dad left her for another woman who for some reason despised me a cold lady with no children of her own. she made him never see me again in the end....heartbroken.
anyway my 13th year one ill never forget. my mother decided to tell me on the way home from somewhere
cool as a cucumber she said of course you know youre dad isnt youre real dad?
what the heck..NO i did not i was a kid who was going to tell me something as big as that....more heartbreak as i found out my real dad had abandoned me just before i was one....i never found out much about him the family were very hush about him i dont know why. he was an sas soldier a cold hearted desserter who never wanted children and never has looked for me even till this day. i dont exist to him....
by now i was more than misstrustful of people and could not accept permanence in my life and i was so wounded but i had an inner formiddable spirit still have i can blank things out very easily beacause then you dont feel any pain..i felt very lonely never got too close to anyone they were gona leave anyway right?
i felt worthless unloved and half a person my real dad was the other half of the jigsaw.
but i got through school and college still bullied badly but rolled with the punches. but i started my catering career and i skipped in to the party scene it was full of fake people i could ride with, they only cared about having a laugh and mostly emotional detachment. they were fake..but i rolled with them and i put up with the double standards i had zilch confidence and they almost made me feel stronger somehow.i gave n gave to these people when all they did was hurt me and shit on me but i would take it i didnt want to be rejected *again* my old friends rejected me for going off with these party people i had noone...these people had bigger issues than i and i would always try n help them unable to help myself somehow.
i never grew from these people at all. i didnt learn how to relate from these people they just wanted to get drunk and have a laugh..but i got older and wiser and learnt to help my self a little more over the years in between trying to deal with my emotions and issues of my past. i started writing poetry from the day my dad left. my poem sweet sundays were of the few times we shared a sunday together with other cousins n so forth until his ladyfriend put a stop to any contact. and writing helped me come to terms with many things in the end..i mean i try to relate the best as i can but im not good at that stuff. things come out wrong and im learning to be more open nowadays..problems shared and all that im slowly more self assured yeah ive been through hell but i get stronger every day and i know people had worse upbringings than mine..
my mum set high standards that were not only hard but impossicle my dad also. to the point of unbearable pain when youd dissaapoint..but you meet some special people in youre lifetime along the way that you nearly die inside when you hurt them and let them down because you didnt have the maturity and emotional strength at that time to deal with things and that pain is pain enough..i guess i learnt from my mum that i was worthless and complicated and from my dad to expect perfection and impossible standards from others.
to the point where theyd let me down because they were impossible expectations and to the point i let them down because i couldnt relate properly.i spent the whole of last year until now making those vital changes i grew up and got out of my head and into my heart to see people as they truly were i was extremely idealistic.
i had to deal with my issues for my own sanity and its easy to ignore them and carry on like everythings fine.
when you know deep down its not.when you go from one broken relationship to another i had a few.craving needing love but unable to give and show it properly..and putting up with some terrible stuff because you have low self esteem and zilch confidence, because of a fear of rejection. you realise the only thing that ties you is toxic its manipulation and a fear of abandonment....on top of all the other stuff bubbling away underneath. so there it is the raw version its 2 in the morning so i dare say theres the odd typo,forgive.
this year i learnt that the only way to be truly happy is to embrace your fears and deal with old emotions and stop resisting change.....i read someones blog for the 1st time earlier i was about to go to bed it brought me to tears and hurt my heart,,i wanted to show people more of me and why im a little aloof and detached and have a side of me tht needs time on my own,sometimes...it can take years to peel away the years and years of dysfunction. but in doing so you get to actually find the real you and learn to love you like everyone else didnt...