from an old song i loved...

i believed in what you said

i trusted in your summer and so now

the leaves are all turning red and brown

and they will soon be coming down

how can i possibly go on hope is what keeps me alive

and now im so uncertain.......

at night i look for a reason why

i never see any shooting stars at night

just like a sure sign that everythings alright

just to quiet me.......

the more i try and look for you

the more i fail to find the truth

let me follow every road with you

or i will take the long way home......

just me part 2

so my dog went and we moved. we were buying a shoeshop and a semi large flat above in town.

we were there six months my mum and dad argued all the time we were there my dad didnt want to move nor did i. but she had her way she could manipulate and she was controlling all those dysfunctional qualities..

i can relate to them.six months had passed and my dad left her for another woman who for some reason despised me a cold lady with no children of her own. she made him never see me again in the end....heartbroken.

anyway my 13th year one ill never forget. my mother decided to tell me on the way home from somewhere

cool as a cucumber she said of course you know youre dad isnt youre real dad?

what the heck..NO i did not i was a kid who was going to tell me something as big as that....more heartbreak as i found out my real dad had abandoned me just before i was one....i never found out much about him the family were very hush about him i dont know why. he was an sas soldier a cold hearted desserter who never wanted children and never has looked for me even till this day. i dont exist to him....

by now i was more than misstrustful of people and could not accept permanence in my life and i was so wounded but i had an inner formiddable spirit still have i can blank things out very easily beacause then you dont feel any pain..i felt very lonely never got too close to anyone they were gona leave anyway right?

i felt worthless unloved and half a person my real dad was the other half of the jigsaw.

but i got through school and college still bullied badly but rolled with the punches. but i started my catering career and i skipped in to the party scene it was full of fake people i could ride with, they only cared about having a laugh and mostly emotional detachment. they were fake..but i rolled with them and i put up with the double standards i had zilch confidence and they almost made me feel stronger somehow.i gave n gave to these people when all they did was hurt me and shit on me but i would take it i didnt want to be rejected *again* my old friends rejected me for going off with these party people i had noone...these people had bigger issues than i and i would always try n help them unable to help myself somehow.

i never grew from these people at all. i didnt learn how to relate from these people they just wanted to get drunk and have a laugh..but i got older and wiser and learnt to help my self a little more over the years in between trying to deal with my emotions and issues of my past. i started writing poetry from the day my dad left. my poem sweet sundays were of the few times we shared a sunday together with other cousins n so forth until his ladyfriend put a stop to any contact. and writing helped me come to terms with many things in the end..i mean i try to relate the best as i can but im not good at that stuff. things come out wrong and im learning to be more open nowadays..problems shared and all that im slowly more self assured yeah ive been through hell but i get stronger every day and i know people had worse upbringings than mine..

my mum set high standards that were not only hard but impossicle my dad also. to the point of unbearable pain when youd dissaapoint..but you meet some special people in youre lifetime along the way that you nearly die inside when you hurt them and let them down because you didnt have the maturity and emotional strength at that time to deal with things and that pain is pain enough..i guess i learnt from my mum that i was worthless and complicated and from my dad to expect perfection and impossible standards from others.

to the point where theyd let me down because they were impossible expectations and to the point i let them down because i couldnt relate properly.i spent the whole of last year until now making those vital changes i grew up and got out of my head and into my heart to see people as they truly were i was extremely idealistic.

i had to deal with my issues for my own sanity and its easy to ignore them and carry on like everythings fine.

when you know deep down its not.when you go from one broken relationship to another i had a few.craving needing love but unable to give and show it properly..and putting up with some terrible stuff because you have low self esteem and zilch confidence, because of a fear of rejection. you realise the only thing that ties you is toxic its manipulation and a fear of abandonment....on top of all the other stuff bubbling away underneath. so there it is the raw version its 2 in the morning so i dare say theres the odd typo,forgive.

this year i learnt that the only way to be truly happy is to embrace your fears and deal with old emotions and stop resisting change.....i read someones blog for the 1st time earlier i was about to go to bed it brought me to tears and hurt my heart,,i wanted to show people more of me and why im a little aloof and detached and have a side of me tht needs time on my own,sometimes...it can take years to peel away the years and years of dysfunction. but in doing so you get to actually find the real you and learn to love you like everyone else didnt...

just me part 1

i grew up in a busy quite large pub on a busy high street. 11 years of mixed and very jumbled up memories.my mum and dad and myself and my infamous dog,my springer spaniel. every one knew me and my dog giggle we were inseperable...my dad was a very hardworking kind man a true leader not a follower.trustworthy and almost victorian in his strictness but he was my dad and i adored him he wanted only the best for me. he strived to give my mum and i the best things in life. and he could be soft but he was no pushover.he could be fiery at a moments notice but never violent.he was too kindhearted for that.i remember a smack or two.and then there was my mother a then very beautiful well dressed outwardly confident ardent socialite and who was also the local head chairlady for some big hoo haa well to do ladies charity of kent she had the big chains like the mayor. a big boss and bossy lady who was addicted to shopping and galavanting and we lived 20 minutes from london. she shopped alot in the best shops even the food malls with her it was all about appearences and such. i was not spoilt but i had beautiful clothes and sometimes the latest toy but not always.you could say we had quite an enviable lifestyle 5 star holidays and daytrips and big parties n such. to the out side just a normal family.

but on the inside it was nt like that. it was a different story.if my dad wasnt working hard he wasnever really home.he would dash to the cash n carry and  he had family in the east end of london his parents were quite old then.he was an east end boy who infact drank in the same pub as the krays in the old days of his youth.i adored him and he adored me. he set me up in life with extremely high expectations i mean like seriously high.

he sent me to private school and made my life like a fairytale. high standards that dont even exist in this life anymore. hed tell me that one day a powerful prince would rescue me from the tower of this life and only a prince would do. a prince who would live by the same standards as him?and they were higher than high. he was such a powerful man and driven and almost hate to say it but perfect in every princely way except for his rare temper and fieryness. he instilled in me my search for truth in this life and justice for humanity and a love of animals and helping others. some pretty altruistic traits. and to always love my individuality.

my mother tho was very different. she was a very hard person emotionally and even her character and persona still is.she is polish as is her mother and they are very hard women....she never really was home either and when she was never really wanted anything to do with me. there was no real love or affection. my earliest horror memory goes back to about 3 years old, she would sit by me on the sofa while i was happily watching a cartoon hence my love of cartoons and she would look at me and say *i dont love you* and i was a sweet kid but born with an extremely deep sensitivity. i would burst into tears. she did that alot over the years...then she would walk out the room and do whatever she did and leave me upset.

she was unemotional and if you showed any emotion she would chastise you and tell you to pull yourself together. that is why my emotions are so turbulent i would say and erratic and everythingelse they are she wouldnt relate to me but her mother was the same she came from an extremely dysfunctional family. abuse alcoholism etc etc. so to her i was just an accessory she would throw on n off depending what her plans were tht week. so in turn i couldnt relate to her or others. over the years i found my sense of humour because every one likes the funny kid right...but the longer you get to know people they realise something is different about you and then theyd go off and find other friends.

but when i was 3 my father bought me a dog my bestest friend in the whole wide world.. i use to sing to her and chat because she would lay on me and listen to my woes and my chatter. no judgement just big brown soppy loving eyes...she was the best friend i ever had in my life. i was bullied alot and i could always run to her and shed listen. anyway when i was 10 and a half my mum told me we were moving to hereford and my dog had to go away to a farm.....heartbroken..

Sweet Sundays

On such sweet sundays
Many journeys passed and
With many companions sold

and many stories told.

We scoured the hills and
The mountains for gold,
and the dreams entertained
Us for they never left.
I remember the extreme of
The emotions and of the colours
That scanned the view.
The flight of the homebirds
And the big birds too,
The joys that never left me and
the memories like golden silk
We never had much luck but
We never missed it that much...

Blondie - Atomic

Duran Duran - Rio

99 red ballons - Nena 80s nostalgia