just me part 2

so my dog went and we moved. we were buying a shoeshop and a semi large flat above in town.

we were there six months my mum and dad argued all the time we were there my dad didnt want to move nor did i. but she had her way she could manipulate and she was controlling all those dysfunctional qualities..

i can relate to them.six months had passed and my dad left her for another woman who for some reason despised me a cold lady with no children of her own. she made him never see me again in the end....heartbroken.

anyway my 13th year one ill never forget. my mother decided to tell me on the way home from somewhere

cool as a cucumber she said of course you know youre dad isnt youre real dad?

what the heck..NO i did not i was a kid who was going to tell me something as big as that....more heartbreak as i found out my real dad had abandoned me just before i was one....i never found out much about him the family were very hush about him i dont know why. he was an sas soldier a cold hearted desserter who never wanted children and never has looked for me even till this day. i dont exist to him....

by now i was more than misstrustful of people and could not accept permanence in my life and i was so wounded but i had an inner formiddable spirit still have i can blank things out very easily beacause then you dont feel any pain..i felt very lonely never got too close to anyone they were gona leave anyway right?

i felt worthless unloved and half a person my real dad was the other half of the jigsaw.

but i got through school and college still bullied badly but rolled with the punches. but i started my catering career and i skipped in to the party scene it was full of fake people i could ride with, they only cared about having a laugh and mostly emotional detachment. they were fake..but i rolled with them and i put up with the double standards i had zilch confidence and they almost made me feel stronger somehow.i gave n gave to these people when all they did was hurt me and shit on me but i would take it i didnt want to be rejected *again* my old friends rejected me for going off with these party people i had noone...these people had bigger issues than i and i would always try n help them unable to help myself somehow.

i never grew from these people at all. i didnt learn how to relate from these people they just wanted to get drunk and have a laugh..but i got older and wiser and learnt to help my self a little more over the years in between trying to deal with my emotions and issues of my past. i started writing poetry from the day my dad left. my poem sweet sundays were of the few times we shared a sunday together with other cousins n so forth until his ladyfriend put a stop to any contact. and writing helped me come to terms with many things in the end..i mean i try to relate the best as i can but im not good at that stuff. things come out wrong and im learning to be more open nowadays..problems shared and all that im slowly more self assured yeah ive been through hell but i get stronger every day and i know people had worse upbringings than mine..

my mum set high standards that were not only hard but impossicle my dad also. to the point of unbearable pain when youd dissaapoint..but you meet some special people in youre lifetime along the way that you nearly die inside when you hurt them and let them down because you didnt have the maturity and emotional strength at that time to deal with things and that pain is pain enough..i guess i learnt from my mum that i was worthless and complicated and from my dad to expect perfection and impossible standards from others.

to the point where theyd let me down because they were impossible expectations and to the point i let them down because i couldnt relate properly.i spent the whole of last year until now making those vital changes i grew up and got out of my head and into my heart to see people as they truly were i was extremely idealistic.

i had to deal with my issues for my own sanity and its easy to ignore them and carry on like everythings fine.

when you know deep down its not.when you go from one broken relationship to another i had a few.craving needing love but unable to give and show it properly..and putting up with some terrible stuff because you have low self esteem and zilch confidence, because of a fear of rejection. you realise the only thing that ties you is toxic its manipulation and a fear of abandonment....on top of all the other stuff bubbling away underneath. so there it is the raw version its 2 in the morning so i dare say theres the odd typo,forgive.

this year i learnt that the only way to be truly happy is to embrace your fears and deal with old emotions and stop resisting change.....i read someones blog for the 1st time earlier i was about to go to bed it brought me to tears and hurt my heart,,i wanted to show people more of me and why im a little aloof and detached and have a side of me tht needs time on my own,sometimes...it can take years to peel away the years and years of dysfunction. but in doing so you get to actually find the real you and learn to love you like everyone else didnt...